8 Month Check-up

Another month down. I was particularly nervous with this visit given the virus she battled a few weeks back. I knew it would effect her counts, and it did, but it wasn't horrible...ANC - 2132, hemoglobin - 12.4, and platelets - 115,000. I just knew her platelets would take the hit for the rest of the gang, and sure enough, this morning she woke up with a bizarre bruise on the top of her hand (even the nurses and doctor made note of it). I think it's her body's way of getting me mentally prepared for a bad number so that when I see it in black and white I am not totally devastated. I think we have all accepted the fact that she has naturally low platelets, but I will always hold out hope that one day it will fall into the normal range and actually stay there.

As for the fever, it lasted a whopping 3 days. My consolation was that a good chunk of her class was sick and then eventually I got it, providing me with some sense of comfort in a perverse way. Most upsetting about the virus was that it puts the thoughts of relapse and how abnormal our lives are front and center in my mind again. And when that happens, a buzzing goes through my head and I can feel myself shutting down while going through the motions of my daily life that I can't explain. I had it when she was diagnosed and I think it is some kind of internal coping mechanism. During her treatment I dreaded fevers because they meant a minimum 48 hour hospital stay. I would sit in the hospital and look forward to the day when she would have a fever and I could take care of her at home like a normal mother. When this fever came, it made me realize, I will never be that mother. Even Dr. Joe tells the fear will remain with me even when she is an adult. And at least at the hospital, they run a litany of tests to check for certain viruses and bacterial infections. Now I go to a pediatrician who checks her eyes, ears throat and lungs and in reality guesses what the ailment may be. Not to put pediatricians down, but unless they are drawing blood and sticking q-tips up your kids noses (they run tests on the mucus) or getting x-rays on their lungs, they truly don't know what is ailing them. For those of you wondering why something as simple as a fever would upset me...a persistent fever is a sign of relapse. That is why if she has one that lasts at least 3 days, she has to see Dr. Joe. Our saving grace on this one to avoid the trek to Guilford was that she exhibited strong signs of a respiratory infection and her energy level held up. Again somewhat comforting, but I have a few more grays. There are times I wish I could put her in a bubble, but I can't and I know this won't be the last fever this winter. Of course a few other things just put me at unease. When she was finally ready to go back to school, it snowed and the kids had off. Catherine loves the snow and played outside for about 2 hours. I have pictures of the kids sledding that remind me so much of the pictures I have of her sledding just 5 days before her diagnosis. Looking at them actually made me cry and also made me realize that whenever I look at a beautiful snowfall, I will always be reminded of that day in February that forever changed our lives. So it brought me back to that time and once those thoughts invade the front of your memory, it takes a long time for them to go back.
I know this is a depressing post so I will end it by saying that we did have a lovely Christmas and New Year. The kids had a great vacation, the highlights being dogsitting our friend's dog, which the kids loved, and their first ski lesson. Catherine was fantastic and Alex got better as the lesson went on. I guess Dave and I need to brush up on our ski skills and start hitting the slopes with the kids. So until next month....